He Isn't Over His Ex

Every relationship is supposed to start as a friendship. I get that. I really do.

But I have had two bfs - guys who are friends -- talk to me about their ex-girlfriends when in fact I thought they were interested in me.

When getting to know a person, I listen intently to what he has to say and even how he says it, if on the phone. If face-to-face, I look for a twinkle in his eye.

The first guy, who honestly could not have been a love interest, seemed to be interested in hanging out with me and getting to know each other. He was much younger and ummm let's just say I prolly was crossing the line, but errr uhhh you only live once. LOLOLOLO

Any who.

I don't know how it happened but he started talking to me about his ex-gf. I listened and then he said things that made me think his heart was still in her hand. It was sorta like he wanted to get my opinion about her so he could figure out how to make things work. Which is cool, if I can help bring about happiness, call me Ms. Hap Hap Happiness. LOLOLOLOL

The other guy, and again, I thought he was interested in me, started telling me about how his ex-gf had a guy stay the night and how it was bothering him. Hmmmmmm

OOOOOOOOK!

Sooooooo, what do you say to a guy who you thought was interested in you and he is mad about someone staying the night with his ex? Ummmmm, ummmmmm, maybe dude you ain't over your ex if you trippin like that.

But I wouldn't be DJ if I had stopped there sooooooo I asked a few questions and listened for the answers.

She told him it was over with the other guy and that she didn't want him in her life any more. Stick with me here --- she didn't want the guy in her life anymore who stayed the night with her LOLOLOLOLOL

Sooooo I tell dude clearly she hasn't figured out if she wants the guy or not in her life and that she is likely in that transition stage, ya know, the stage when you trying to figure out if you should let it go, let it go, let it go. :)

With both, well ummmm with one LOLOLOL, I really wasn't that interested so no harm was truly done. And if nothing else, I gained two friends.

But what are signs that someone is not over his or her ex?

You Spend 336 Hours Kissing

There are a few tidbits that I wanna share about puckering up.

You will spend 336 hours of your life kissing. Well, the average person.

And no two lips have the same impression. Remember how proud you were to rush home with that art assignment of your hands in fingerpaint as a kid...and how your hands looked different than all your friends? Well, same for your lippy lips.

Research has found that kissing is good for you. Mooooooooooooaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

But I must say I like to kiss fat lips. Kissing little lips feels like kissing a bird's beek lololololo

But eeeeeerrrrrr uhhhhhh, teefus matter too. Can you imagine kissing a tartar filled mouf.....ugggg

And I don't know what peeps think about kissing someone with swollen gums yuckola...I will pass.

Dentist appointments should be evry six months too. And to ward off bad breath floss and scrape your tongue. Crest's cinnamon flavored toothpaste is the best eva.... I'm just sayin.

Read other kissing facts at http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=18728050

Signs He May Be On The DL

I love reading E. Lynn Harris' books but after I read them I become seriously paranoid. Harris' books deal with men who are on the down low. These are men who seemingly like women but sleep with men too. It is a big problem in the African-American community.

But while reading the book, "Basketball Jones," I started thinking about the pregnant wife who didn't know that her husband was sneaking off to sleep with an openly gay man. Wow! That really is something to kill someone over. It's the highest level of deceit and for what?

Any who.

The man, as described in the book, was athletic, nice looking and any woman's dream man. He wasn't even described in a gay way, meaning in the way he gestured or talked or any of the stereotypical stuff.

Sooooo this got me to thinking long and hard. How the heckypoo can a woman spot a man who is only using her to deceive the world because he really likes sleeping with men?

This question sent me in a tailspin because the more I thought about it, the more I felt like there was't an answer that would even be good enough to explain such craziness.

I can understand that a person can be attracted to the same sex and is trying to deal with the whole situation as a teen. And heck, I am not judging people who are gay. The bible says Judge Thee Not, sooooo Imma do as I'm told.

But to be a full grown man and not be completely honest with yourself and even your sexual partner is just too much, too much, too much. Why? Grow up and deal with your reality.

But then I go back to thinking about the signs. Is it the way he talks? Is it the way he walks? Is it that he has that one really cooooool supa coooool friend? Is it that he prefers to be around men A LOT?

Wow, it makes me shake in my boots just thinking about that type of crazy deception. Being on the DL is truly a cowardly approach to life and sexuality, and I am hoping that I have never run into or will run into a man who is such a fraud.

But are there signs that someone is on the DL?

Take Details Of Cheating Sexcapades To Grave

I have seen a few situations when a man or a woman had to come clean about cheating. Tyically, it's when they have been cooooold busted and they can't deny it any longer.

There are a lot of hurt feelings involved. One of my family members, I don't think, has ever gotten over her husband having a baby with another woman in the beginning of their marriage.

Another one of my friends seemed to be stricken with a physical ailment when she found out her husband was cheating on her and he confirmed it. I remember seeing her and she was laying in the floor and her pain was palpable. I felt it. I cried too.

Being honest can hurt and help a relationship. In both of the aforementioned cases, the marriages are still a truckin :)

But then there was a moment in another situation involving cheating that the woman wanted to know details. Did you do this to her? Did you do that to her?

It pained me to hear that she wanted to hear the deeeeeetails, so I told her don't pain yourself even more hearing all of those details. The details may end up haunting you if you try to make your relationship work.

I never really understood why she wanted to know the details. I would keep details as far away from my mind as possible if I knew fo sho fo sho that someone had cheated on me. I don't wanna know. In fact, just take that information to the grave with you.

Even Tiger Woods wife, Elin, comes to mind. All those unnecessary details of how freaky he was. Really, what does that do? Why do the details matter?

But would you ever admit that you have cheated on someone? And if someone told you that they cheated on you, would you want details of the sexcapades?

He Looked Like A Bug With A Gap In His Teeth

On a recent occasion, I totally put my foot in my mouf.

A guy enters the room and I say, "Oh my he looks like a bug with a gap in his teeth."

Clearly, he was not my type, but errrrr uhhhh, he was actually there for one of my friends who heard my comment about how I thought he looked.

Ummmm, he was ugly. I'm sorry, sorry, ooooo sooooo sorry but dude was zugly. LOLOLOL

Yea, I'm wrong.

Any who.

After I uninserted my foot, I tried to redeem myself by saying guuuuurrl, looks aren't everything. OOOPS that prolly didn't help, I think so I try again.

Guuuuurl, do not listen to me because if you can look at him, I can look at him.

But oh my oh my, I honestly could not imagine waking up and rolling over and looking at that man. Ugggg. But he didn't like me and wasn't trying to wake up with me soooooooo...

I thought about my comment later and tried to reconcile with my feelings. I kept asking myself, "Are you that shallow?"

And then I arrived at "How important are looks to you?" "How important is physical attraction?"

Heck, it's waaaaaay up there on a scale of 1 to 10 for me right around 7 or 8. Of course I don't want Mr. Fine who is the behind hole but I also don't want someone who looks like a behind hole *falls outta chair onto floor laffin LOLOLOLOL

Beauty, however, is in the eye of the beholder, but ugly is universal LOLOLOL

No, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Plus, it would be really hard for me to pucker up, hold hands, and heck even look at if I didn't find him physically attractive or sexy or sumptin. Give me sumptin.

But how important is physical attraction to you? Rate it on a scale from 1 to 10.

Get In My Mind And Then My Pants?

My mother told me not to talk to strangers three decades ago, but for some reason I keep doing it.

I was sitting in the liberry, no yall, library LOLOLOLOL minding my own business until this fella strikes up a conversation with me.

I don't wanna be rude but really I didn't wanna talk, really I didn't. It kinda reminded me of being at the gym when a fella or two would converge on the treadmill or eliptical or whatever machine I would be trying to work out on and start jibba jabbin.

I would be huffin and puffin and about the blow a house down and he would still just stand there jibba jabbin jackin his jaws. LOLOLOL

Well, it was sorta like that but just a bunch of books and no treadmill. This guy wanted to talk and then he discovered we had a few things in common and wowsa yowsa and nowsa he just wasn't gonna zip it. :)

I smile and nod and smile and nod and OK, and Yea a few times. Heck, he was nice, but I needed to apply for a few more jobs and check peep's statuses on Facebook. I had things to do.

He was cool to talk to. But errrr uhhh when he opened his lips and said I want to get in your mind before I get into your pants I wanted to shoot bullets from my eye sockets. I stared and stared.

I even imagined myself with a double-barrel shot gun. It mysteriously appears and I load it and blow him away. Boooooooom! Booooooom!

And then he says, I would like for you to take a look at something and YOU can treat me to lunch. Enuf, enuf, enuf, enuf.

I wanted to be like Wilona and call him a jive a$$ turkey but I said, "NO."

And departed in my usual pleasant way, but I have to figure out a way to get rid of men I am not remotely interested in. Maybe, I should wear a bright orange cap and bright red lipstick LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

How do you get rid of a person who is coming on soooooooo strong and you are sooooooo not interested? Tell me.

Don't Be Cruel

You prolly thought of Bobby Brown and started doing that dance that he did with your arms and legs because you read, "Don't Be Cruel."

But don't break out in a jig just yet I have some real talk about being cruel.

A recent conversation with someone got me to really thinking about mean people. I hate mean people, well, I have a muscle-bound dislike for mean people.

Any who.

He said that when a man starts treating a woman really mean, it is because he wants out of the relationship and doesn't know what to do to get out of it.

Sooooo rather than be a stand-up type of fella, he acts like a behind hole and calls you delusional and insane and crazy and all kinda mean shiggidy that will make YOU hit the highway.

And I have to say that not spending time is what I considered to be the telltale sign, but errrr uhhh you live and you learn.

Heck, looking back I've had some really mean stuff happen to me and I actually thought it was a character issue -- fo real, fo real.

It was a mean one day and nice the next so I didn't know what the heck to think, but I guess now he was desperately telling me I want O-U-T right now, right now, not tomorrow or the next day, right now! LOLOLOLOL

But why do peeps have to be mean or cruel or nasty or ugly to someone if they just wanna hit the road. Just hit the doe and don't come back no moe. :)

Do you think people start treating their significant other really mean when they want out of a relationship? What do people do when they want O-U-T?! Tell me.

When He Says He Is No Longer In Love

What exactly does it mean when someone says, "I love you but I am NOT in love with you."

Other than it being a serious gutt shot that will double you over in physical and emotional pain, it is a complex statement.

I have had these words uttered to me, and the pain that resonated in my body was unexplainable. I really felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. Twice!

I remember trying to describe the way I felt and the only thing I kept repeating was, it hurt sooooo bad, oh, it really hurt.

Interestingly, the person I was trying to communicate my feelings to had the same words uttered to her so she understood exactly how painful those words were.

I remember trying to reconcile with myself why someone would say something sooooooo hurtful. Heck, why not say I no longer want to be with you. Period. But I guess that would be painful, too.

I believe that in marriages (and even long-term relationships), being in love is cyclical. Because marriage is supposed to be forever, for the duration, until death do us part, riding the wave of being in love is part of what one has signed up for. Some days love and being in love will be 100 and other days it will be very close to zip zero. And then some days, it will be right in the middle somewhere. To me, it is the nature of the beast.

I think men and women want to be in love. Actually, I think men and and women want the same things in relationships. Love, respect, admiration, trust, understanding and good diggity. Men and women both want someone to laugh with, someone to talk to and someone to have fun with.

Yea, we are different but we are really the same.

But do you think men and women both are as in love with the idea of being in love? Would you be able to stay in a relationship with someone who says he or she loves you but is not in love with you?

I Am Going To Flip Tables On My Next Date

It's interesting to me how someone I used to date would say I am a good guy, and women want me.

LOLOLOLOL

Yea, I thought, but you might wanna take a good look at the things that are wrong, waaaaaaaaaay wrong with you that keeps you from being able to have a lasting relationship.

And when this thought entered my mine, it didn't just apply to him. It applied to me as well.

Heck, I think I am a good googly mooogly looky looky good catch and from time to time I get the lines from seekers LOLOLOL

Your husband is a lucky man. Tell your guy he is lucky to have you. And these guys don't even know that I am patient, optimistic, loving, kind, affectionate, family-oriented, smart, goal-oriented and funny with a zest for life like no other.

Interestingly, I recently got a pick up line that I liked. "

"Are you married, engaged or in love?" Oh my, oh my, I liked that one. I was blushing and cheesy cheesing.

Unfortunately, I was looking straight into the man's eyes and ummmmm I am 5'1. Well, I may not have been looking him straight in the eyes but he was a shorty mackadoo and I don't do shorty mackadoos. :)

Any who.

I think it is absolutely necessary to know your strengths and weaknesses in relationships. A little bit of psychic ability is needed to so that time is not wasted on a loser or a user. And if psychic ability isn't available, I am selling some GET-OVER-IT pills. LOLOLOL

I know what is oooooooh sooooo good about me, but I know what isn't oooooooh soooooo goood too.

Oh, I am a firecracker, fiiyah-cracker soooooo do NOT, I repeat, do NOT ignite. I am a grudge holder sooooo do NOT cross me. I am emotional so don't say I am crying to just get a reaction from YOU. I am not I am crying or have tears in my eyes because my feelings are hurt. I don't purposely make my big beautiful eyes water :)

But with all that said, I think that I will reverse the whole questioning involved in dating. Yea, all the good stuff about you is great but what the heck is the bad stuff? Do you have a temper? Are you cheap? Why do you think you haven't been able to sustain a relationship? Are you jealous? Are you insecure? Are you controlling? All Dat.

Oh, when I do it to the next seeker, he may not even recognize how I have flipped the table over on him like a New Jersey Housewife LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Sooooo what makes you an ideal mate and what does not make you an ideal mate?

Yikes! You Had A Cocaine Habit?

While out having a drink one night, an older fella sitting next to me starts jibba jabbin.

Uh huh, yea, OK, really, smile, smile, giggle, smile, giggle.

I really was NOT interested in a thing he was talking about but I didn't want to be rude. I have discovered that sometimes peeps just wanna jack their jaws, so I was going to let him jibba jab awaaaaaaaaaay. LOLOLOLOL

He talked about raising his son and work and how things were looking up. Yea, look up economy, look up :)

I glanced down at his feet and low and behold this fella had on house shoes. Yea, white people call them slippers but these were house blue, cushiony, shoey shoooooes LOLOLOLO

Because I would not be me if I didn't say anything, I say, "What in the world are you doing outside with your house shoes on?"

He says that his footsies were tired after a long day of wearing steel-toe shoes.

Wow! Ghet Ghet Ghet Ghetttttttttooooooe!

People should not wear house shoes outdoors, period, period, period, neva, neva, neva, eva. LOLOLOLOL

Any who.

I slowly drift back into my smile and yea mode while he continued to jack his jaws. But then I noticed he wasn't drinking so I asked, "You aren't drinking?"

When you ask a question, be ready, be RETTAY for the answer.

"I am a recovering cocaine addict!"

My lip hit his house shoe LOLOLOL No, seriously, my lip was on the floor and my eyes fell into my glass of chardy chard and starting floating around and I fell off the bar stool. LOLOLOL

Nah, not all that happened but I was quite shocked.

But then, Mr. House Shooooey Shoe said cocaine and alcohol are both drugs and made me feel like he was trying to tell me not to judge him in a real sneaky way.

Hmph, you gotta lotta nerves Mr. House Shoooooey Shoe.

You just blew my buzz, I thought to myself. My brain power kicked in and I started thinking good googly moogly the options out here are wackadoo crazy. If for some reason his house shoes had NOT turned me all the way off and I was considering having conversations outside the establishment what a surprise the cocaine habit would have been to me.

But errrr uhhh, Mr. House Shooooooey Shooooe had a snowball chance in hell of ever dating me but is dating a cocaine addict and an alcoholic the same? Are you more concerned if someone says I was on cocaine or I was a heavy drinker?

Wowsa, Yowsa, Wowsa! Tell me.

Mother's Day Gift: Dating Advice From Mom

Whenever I have relationship problems I am quick to pick up the phone and call my mother. I did it when I was married and I still do it.

Many times, she will listen intently and then give the most concise of advice.

Darlene, you know what will make you happy.

Darlene, the way you find a man is the way he is going to be.

Darlene, try to change what you do to get a different response.

So I found the following e-mail from www.datewithoutdrama.com interesting because it offered advice that others have received from their mother over the years.


THE BEST DATING ADVICE I EVER GOT
FROM MY MOM

"Date a man who worships you."

-Lesley,
Bergen Co., NJ

* * * * * *

"My mother told me that dating was a numbers game. If I go up to
100 girls and ask them out, 99 might say no, but one will say yes
and it's all worth it."

-Mike
Port Washington, NY

* * * * * *

"My Mom used to say 'don't date anyone you wouldn't consider
marrying.' In other words, be careful who you agree to go on a date
with, you might just end up falling for him!

She also said 'Don't settle. You will have to kiss a lot of frogs
in order to find your prince!' (Though I'm not sure she was
encouraging all the kissing!) When I had relationships that ended,
she encouraged me to see the positive side and know that I was that
much closer to finding my prince!

There's just one thing... I married my prince, but nobody told me
I'd have to wash his clothes and listen to his snoring all night!!
UGGHH!!"

- Liz
Durham, NC

* * * * * *

"My mom said, 'Don't use sex to get love, because some men will use
love to get sex.'

'If you still have doubts a year into a relationship, it's a sign of
things to come.' (In other words, cut your losses and get out.)

Most of all, 'the purpose of dating (just dating) is to find out
what you DON'T want in a guy. Your taste becomes more defined as
you swim along in the dating pool.'"

-Amy
Chantilly, VA

* * * * * *

"My mom has given me tons of great advice over the years. I have to
say that there is one I like the best though.

She told me that she (playfully) reminded my dad every day how
lucky he was to have her for his wife. Also she took a few minutes
to make sure she looked nice when he got home from work.

The power a positive attitude, as well as a little self-promotion,
goes a long way!"

-Karyn,
Avon Lake, OH

* * * * * *

"If you think you are going to be able to change your significant
other, change your own mindset. (Ladies, you'll be lucky if you
can just get him to clip his nails or buy new underwear to replace
the ones with holes in it.)

Sometimes you need to be single to remind yourself of who you are.

Nothing is easy in life. If you aren't willing to work at a
relationship, you will never have one that lasts.

If it's so hard that you need couples counseling while still dating,
don't plan on this going the distance.

You're not always going to be right. But if you're always wrong,
you're either with the wrong person or you need to understand the
basic concepts of life.

Figure out if it's Love or Lust. If you two can't stay together
without sex for an extended period of time (several months) it's
probably lust.

Don't combine bank accounts or purchase a home together until you
are actually married.

Make sure if you're been dating a while, that the two of you know
where you are in the relationship. Are you thinking marriage and
they're thinking next great vacation (or vice versa)?

Communication is important because if you don't communicate, you
may get annoyed that your significant other isn't reading your
thoughts and that's just plain crazy."

-Jason,
Washington, DC

* * * * * *

"My Mom always told me that I should picky, but not too picky."

- Julie
New York, NY

* * * * * *

"My mother told me dating was stressful and to make sure I
wore deodorant."

-John
Los Angeles, CA

Longtime Divorcee May Be Trouble

My bff has maintained from the very beeeeeginnning that if a man has gotten divorced and has not gotten remarried within three years, there is a problem.

We laff and laff and laff when she gets on this topic.

She says, No. 1 -- If the guy was married, he is used to being married so he will take a little time off and then try it out again. The is also true for women, she believes.

No. 2 If a guy gets divorced, there will be woman after woman ready, willing and able sooooo basically someone will grab him up.

No. 3. If a guy is in his mid to late 30s, he is at that age that he wants to settle down with one woman.

Hmmmmmmmm, soooooo is my bff right about men who are divorced more than three years? She says they must be really, really, really hard to get along with. Do you think something is wrong with these men who divorce and stay single for more than three years? Tell me.